This morning I was meeting with my pastor to catch up after the end of the formation year, and I was hit with a big dose of "dasein" as the philosopher Heidegger would say. Dasein is a sense of "being" as the philosophy world would say. It is a moment when you become supremely present to reality; the same feeling when you see a spectacular sunset or share an intimate moment with a friend. You become hyper aware of reality and are eventually led to ask the question "Why is there something rather than nothing?" followed by "This is freaking crazy and amazing." 

I had one of these moments with my pastor today. We were unpacking the growth that I have experienced in the past year which I discussed in my last blog post. Long story short, he saw me in the infancy stages of my discernment, and today I had the joy of sharing the news that my spiritual director and I have confidence that Our Lord is calling me to be a priest. It is the same thing as sharing with a mentor "I think that I found the one."It was an immense moment of vulnerability and tenderness because the only people who know about this are my spiritual director and my little sister. My pastor hugged me and embraced me so firmly, and I could really sense both his spiritual fatherhood. He had just got done telling me how he really has only been able to walk with a couple of guys through seminary formation, and they weren't even his own parishioners. I may be the first son that he has been able to accompany to the priesthood of Jesus Christ. It was a beautiful moment because I have been hearing him preach on the priest's total gift of self to God for so long, and I was able to share with him that I think that I am legitimately called to that as well. This is a bigger deal than a father finding out that his child got into their dream college. 

During the moment, there was also the thought: "I never would have dreamt this to be true." What have I done to deserve any of this life? I may not have the love of a beautiful woman at my side, but I will be invited into a part of Our Lord's Sacred Heart that only a priest is given access to. This is to be accompanied with a bit of fear to be sure; my judgment day will be significantly more intense after ordination. However, Our Lord does not desire to lead us down a path that is too dangerous for us to handle. What kind of a father lets his children play in a place with a significant risk of injury or death? What kind of spouse leads his bride to a place where she may perish? Rather, a father will lead His children to a place where they will flourish. The spouse will lead his wife to a place where their unitive love will only deepen. If Our Lord wants to lead me to His priesthood, then why should I not trust Him that it will sanctify myself and others? I have seen the holiness that priesthood has instilled in my pastor, and my pastor rejoices that the Lord has the same plan for me.

I understand that I have not formally been called by Holy Mother Church to receive the sacrament of Holy Orders, but I will be a candidate for Holy Orders soon. At what point in a relationship can a guy rejoice that he will marry his future bride? I think that I have reached this step. Now there is always the chance that I am not called to this, but it is time for me to seriously enter into the purification required to enter such a holy state as the priesthood of Jesus Christ.

​Amen