The end of this school year presented less free time for reading and reflection, so I forgot to come back here and unpack my thoughts. This week marks the beginning of the summer, so I want to start off strong and reclaim a sense of quietness and recollection that I have recently lost. I am currently reading a book by Dr. Ed Sri called "The Art of Living" which is named after a phrase that Pope Benedict XVI used. It is a general book about how our society has stopped pursuing virtue and how we need to counter that. It isn't a very difficult read, but it is doing a great job providing extensive examples of how we ought to live virtue and examine where we fall short in our personal lives.As I was reading the book this morning, I felt inspired to further unpack how the end of the school year went for me. In particular, my final evaluation was an event that left me with mixed feelings. *For those who don't know, every seminarian is given a final evaluation at the end of the formation year similar to how an employee may get an annual performance review at a company.* The meeting only lasted fifteen minutes, and it consisted of me sitting in the middle of a long conference table surrounded by all of the high ranking faculty at the seminary. Before the meeting, I had to submit a 3-4 page personal reflection on how the year went in my view. During the meeting, The faculty went around and acknowledged parts of my reflection that they liked, but they all said the exact same thing which made me pause for a second. They kept commenting on how much tangible growth they have seen in me since I arrived two years ago. 

This would normally seem like a good thing. Who doesn't like improvement? If you have read any of my posts from this school year, you know how I have been much more intentional with my pursuit of virtue this year, so it would make sense that there is fruit from that, right? I also have mentioned the absence of the sense of consolation this year, and this makes growth seem invisible. How do I know if I have grown in peace, joy, and wisdom if I don't sense it? I only seemed to notice it when others would comment on it. I didn't get this positive feedback from just the seminary, but also the pastors of the two parishes I spend the most time at. Again, isn't this an occasion for gratitude and thankfulness? Doesn't this seem like the "via de nada" that John of the Cross hammers into this writings? 

I walked out of the meeting and told my spiritual director that it feels odd that so many of them said that I have changed a lot since I have arrived at the seminary. This included people that I talk to for less than twenty minutes a week. This only led me to ask: "How bad was I when I got here? All I got was a singular criticism at my evaluation last year. Why does it seem like a much bigger deal now?"  This question has been an occasion for me to dwell in shame ever since that meeting. On top of this, a few days later, I got into a more heated than normal debate with a classmate that didn't end well. Usually we can laugh off our differences, but this ended in agitation. This was what the faculty were concerned about with me last year. Then in spite of that, I just watched it unfold in front of me again. Even just last night around a group of priest friends, I began losing my newly found sense of peace and joy in an effort to win an argument and pridefully claim my views as superior to others. What on Earth is happening? 

I know that the enemy is salivating at what he can do with this situation, but it is now that I must put my foot in the ground and run into the arms of the Father. I must repent of my pride and selfishness and cast out the things that lead me into these temptations. This summer is a great opportunity for me to die to myself through prayer, labor, and penance. I need to examine all of the areas of my life where I wish I were better and make actual efforts to advance. This includes things such as reaching out to meet more priests, continuing my new habit of road running, reading more books, freeing myself from the needs of the internet, praying more of the liturgy of the hours, and serving the poor in a more direct way. 

If I can pursue half of those things, I will be in a better spot. I am looking forward to how the Lord desires to infuse grace in my life in a unique way this summer. As I continue to look forwards toward my potential diaconate ordination in 35 months, I will need to die to myself much more. If not, then I will either need to leave the seminary, or I will have a very brutal judgment day. At the same time, if the Lord is calling me to this vocation, He is eager to supply the necessary graces that I will need to flourish. I just need to keep coming back to cooperate and accept them.

I think that this will be something that Pope Leo emphasizes in his pontificate. It has only been a week, but he is proclaiming the truths of the Catholic faith with a boldness that I haven't seen from the Vatican in recent memory. He gives me great hope for the Church and the healing that She needs. I don't identify as a JP2, Benedict, or Francis vocation, but maybe I will be a Leo vocation. We shall see. It is a Jubilee year after all. Dare we hope that we will finish the race. 

Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto, sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper, et in saecula saeculorum.

Amen.