Every. Day.

I recently had the privilege of attending a transitional diaconate ordination. For context, this man's classmates were all ordained back in May, but he didn't feel confident that he could make the required promises. After an intense summer, he joyfully came to the bishop and told him, "I am ready." It felt so much more inspiring to watch him kneel down and make those promises because he knew exactly what he was committing himself to, especially the surrender of his will to obedience and chastity. This had me thinking about one of the promises that every priest makes at his ordination. I wrote about it in January after the SEEK conference.

"Do you resolve to be united more closely every day to Christ the High Priest, who offered himself for us to the Father as a pure sacrifice, and with him consecrate yourself to God for the salvation of all?"

The hardest part of that question is the 'everyday' part. I have yet to have a substantial period of time where I could live that promise out for more than a month. I always fall, throw a fit when I am picked back up, repent, then wait about three weeks to fall again. So often it is something external that throws me off, then I proceed to throw all virtue out the window once I briefly pause from living out what that promise entails. I know that I beat myself up quite often & my spiritual director lovingly rebukes me for it, but whenever I cut myself some slack, it leads to lukewarmness.

Lord, I don't want my prostration before your altar to be incomplete. There are so many worldly things that I am attached to which I despise at the same time. So many things of this world are weaponized to block me from your gaze. Many of these worldly things are good, but further purification is needed. I lose the sense of your gaze when I watch sports, eat junk food, play basketball, visit home, talk to my surface level friends, watch YouTube, read church politics, etc. Many of these things are opportunities to encounter You, but they knock me down in my weak and wretched state. Somehow, I think that not journaling in prayer, waking up early, and fasting a bit will help me become St John of the Cross II or something. Oh how attractive the religious community life is because I can surrender control of these goods out of obedience to the community's rule of life.

I find myself commonly removing or shielding the intentionality of how we live and why we do what we do. Instead of taking personal accountability for engaging my desires and yearnings for complete conformity to You and Your wounds, I find it easier to simply reduce them to seem like rational aspects of the Christian life. Lord, how often did you communicate Your absurd yearning to Your sheep in Your earthly life? How insignificantly small is my yearning compared to Yours? How did You ultimately communicate this to us? You humbly laid Your life down so greatly that Your heart couldn't even contain the absolute desperation that You have for us, even me. Your spouse pierced your heart both spiritually and physically. Promise me that when I make this solemn promise to Your bishop in 55 months, You will pierce my heart as my bridegroom. Like Your stigmatists, keep this wound open for the rest of my life in order that I can't help but unite myself to You every. day.

Not even death would be able to keep us apart.