How do I Spiritually Suffer?
My spiritual director and I were discussing desolation and sacrifice recently. I thought that I understood the concept well and have even tried to embody it (as you have seen me previously write about), but when he asked me basic questions, I struggled to come up with any answers. Now, this is the norm for whenever I meet with him, but still, it was a bit embarrassing. The question which he pressed me on this time was: "How are you suffering physically and spiritually for others?"This sounds like a question that I was well prepared to answer, that is until my mind went blank. I both talk and think a lot about penance, suffering, and "offering it up." I am doing Exodus 90 which is pure penance and suffering; many of the things bring absolutely no joy or satisfaction. It isn't like a hard workout program or diet where you at least have some personal satisfaction along the way. The cold showers reaffirm this every day.
I do these tangible, hard things, but how much pride or selfishness is in there? How spiritual do I make these gifts? How much are these ideas of sacrifice for others just a fleeting thought that I have in the moment? What burdens do I carry with me? How much am I merely focused on my own virtue or not letting my accountability partner down? On the other side of the same coin, how much love do I have for others that I don't give myself credit for? How much do I let the towering holiness of the saints diminish the acknowledgement of my own growth? What spiritual burdens do I carry which I have numbed myself from feeling?
These are the questions which run through my mind and make it difficult to give my director a clear answer. A distinction that I now can explain is this:
There is a difference between desiring to do penance and attaching an intention onto it versus feeling sorrow for a person and performing penance in order to obtain grace for that person. The two orders of thought seem to be opposite.
At the same time, I know that penance is good for me in moderation (somewhere between sloth and pride), regardless of if I have a specific reason to do it. Ideally I'd want to respond to an inner desire to sacrifice out of pure charity, but other times my own wretched condition deprives me of awareness of things which I ought to be charitable towards.
Do I need to have my close friends' savlation always on my mind? What about those I minister to in my parish assignment? My pastor? My bishop? The Pope? My own sanctity? Or any of my other usual intentions?
There is also the reality of forgetting things which I have sacrificed in the past. I use the word "forget" in a good sense, not in the sense of covering up or ignoring a wound. For example, I was supposed to go skiing this weekend with many of my brother seminarians, but a family matter came up which conflicts with the trip. I had to intentionally give up that ski trip out of my duty to God to honor my parents. That decision to sacrifice the trip was not a thrilling one, and I probably will have less fun than I originally would have. However, a couple days went by, and I forgot all about it as if I never planned to go skiing. Did I not spiritually "suffer" there for the sake of my parents? If I was more rooted in vice, the sacrifice would have hurt much more. It isn't as if I decided to give up something that was bad. Skiing is a great activity which provides me with true leisure! Does the lack of pain make this sacrifice less pleasing to God? I would think not.
However, something like the struggling condition of a friend would burden me much more if I were to have a deeper virtue of charity than if I didn't. So in that sense, the level of pain would somewhat correlate with how pleasing my offering would be to God. This can be most easily seen in the Sorrowful Mother's heart who is the Co-Redemptrix. She fully cooperated with the redemptive sacrifice of Christ. Much of this was because her heart was pierced spiritually as she watched her son's heart be pierced by the soldier. Another example was St. Catherine. It was common for her to beg God for her loved ones to not suffer the pains of purgatory, so she asked God to send the punishments to her so that His perfect justice would be fulfilled. Even if she asked for the pain, it was first because of her existing love for her family.
It is important to note that with the previous two examples, the one offering sacrifice received their burdens passively from their surrounding circumstances. They didn't need to use their will to actuate them. My example of the ski trip was an example of an active purgation that I took on myself with my own will. It may be different, but it still has a pleasant odor for God.
Lets go back to the original question: "How are you suffering physically and spiritually for others?"
As I mentioned earlier, I do participate in active penances like fasting, cold showers, denial of snacks and sweets, exercise, extended prayer time, etc. I have a specific intention for each week of my Exodus 90 journey. So in that sense, yes, I try to think of my intention when the penances get hard. It can be the extra bit of motivation I need to deny myself.
But how do I passively suffer for others? This is the hard one because it is quite easy for me to tune out the outside world (especially when I don't have social media or even the news right now). How can I empathize with people in the midst of their burdens? It is easy to merely adopt a spirit of thanksgiving and say things like "at least my parents never got divorced" or "at least I have a place that I can call home." Both of these are certainly true, and I need to thank God more for them, but what tough realities am I spiritually bypassing in my life? How can I truly desire greater things for my neighbor? Oh how much more pain and sorrow I would feel if I were to take these burdons upon myself, but at the same time, what joy would I experience when grace abounds in these places!
I am reading through The Dialogue by St Catherine of Siena right now, and in it she claims that there are different levels of spiritual tears. When the soul has advanced to the final stages of holiness, it is given the gift of spiritual tears of fire. She says,
"Thus the soul, having arrived at tasting the fire of My divine charity, and having passed from this life in a state of love towards Me and her neighbor, having further possessed that unitive love which caused her tears to fall, does not cease to offer Me her blessed desires, tearful indeed, though without pain or physical weeping, for physical tears have evaporated in the furnace, becoming tears of fire of the Holy Spirit. You see then how tears are infinite, how, as regards the tears shed in this life only, no tongue can tell what different sorrows may cause them."
These tears are generated in the very depths of the heart where charity and desire burn. Oh how often my heart can feel like an abandoned desert. It often contains nothing exciting or sorrowful, at least past the passing moment. It is a unique kind of desolation. It isn't the type of desolation which John of the Cross describes where everything seems to be falling apart and all I feel is pain. However, it isn't necessarily consolation where I feel close to the Lord in a warm and fuzzy way. It is just "meh" most of the time. It isn't a depressing "meh" since I am now filled with much hope for the future, but my heart is still a far distance from being conformed to Christ's Sacred Heart.
After all of that examination and meditation, I still don't know what specific things I passively suffer for others. However, I do know that I can try to bring my intentions to mind and ask for the graces necessary to not only to obtain a desired outcome, but grow in charity towards those I pray for.
Lord, I beg you for the grace of an increase in charity. You have taught St. Catherine that all virtue is developed through our love of neighbor. Help me not only obtain grace for those around me, but help me to grow in holiness by suffering alongside them. Help teach me this so that I may one day live as the holy, sacrificial priest if that is Your will for me.
St Catherine of Siena & Mary Our Sorrowful Mother,
Ora Pro Nobis.
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus
Miserere Nobis