Our Lady and Lies from the Enemy

This post will be less theological reflection and more of a splattering of my current thoughts.

​The seminary formation year has begun, and this means that Satan is also at work in a new way unfortunately. This year, I am in my first year of "major seminary" and will be accepted by my local bishop as a Candidate for Holy Orders in the coming weeks. This is a time of great joy and celebration, but as ordination and solemn promises approach in a short 31 months, I am quickly seeing the gap that stands between my current state and the one that the bishop will need me to be in. I just came off of a fantastic year of formation last year with a great final evaluation, so why ought I to be worried?After finishing up orientation for the upcoming year of formation, the seminary staff has made it very clear that we are not to view major seminary formation as a 4-5 year long conveyor belt where we get our white roman collar and sacred chrism at the end. The church has gone through a great purification of her seminaries and the formation expected from them, and this is an amazing thing. Too many priests have let us down with their unacknowledged problems / wounds which eventually lead to lukewarm faith or even scandal. Consequently, the standard that is being set for newly ordained priests is higher than it has been in recent memory. The many faithful who get on their knees to beg for good shepherds deserve these higher quality priests. However, for those in my shoes, this means that an even greater battle must take place in our souls in order for us to meet these new standards.

Every single part of our time in seminary is now at stake for being analyzed by the faculty on staff. I have to preach a certain number of "homilies" and get feedback from a diverse group of people. I have to discuss how each major academic assignment has affected my formation. I have to set tangible goals (and show improvement) with things regarding technology habits, bed time, exercise, health, procrastination, optional events, leadership initiatives, and many more things. It is a bit overwhelming at the current moment, but I have hope that what the Lord has begun will be brought to completion.

However, no level of hope will stop Satan from trying to send a soul into either dispare or mediocrity. We just got back from our annual silent retreat, and I had a holy hour that kind of scared me, yet revealed where I currently lack. While praying, I went through a reflection of all of the graces that were uniqely given to me so that I can be the disciple that I am currently. Some of them include:

• A FOCUS missionary who gave me true fraternal accountablity
• A grace to intuitively know how to pray well
• A desire to read books on prayer (which I previously couldn't have cared less about)
• A sudden distaste for my prideful career path ambitions in college
• A unique innocece from childhood
• Adequate finances to get me through college and my current seminary formation
• A bold, holy and zealous preacher in my own diocese to mentor me while discerning
• Access to SEEK conferences and the Eucharistic Congress
• A very healthy seminary

With all of these graces, what do I have to be afraid of? Well, seminary formation isn't a conveyor belt anymore. I still struggle with vices regarding consistency with prayer and my relationship with technology / free time. I have been trying to battle these vices for years now, but here I am without  much improvement. What if the seminary deemed me to be unworthy of ordination due to my own sinfulness? I have spent the past few years falling in love with this vocation, and I am extremely confident that this is where Our Lord is calling me. But what if the rug is just pulled out from under me and it all falls apart? I know some healing would be necessary, but I would worry that I would hear the lie that I would be "settling" for marriage or the single life because apparently I wasn't holy enough for the previous plan. I have friends who have gone through the agony of breaking off an engagement. This would be even worse in my opinion because marriage is temporary, but priesthood is eternal. I know that Divine Providence is in there somewhere, but that doesn't change my ability to screw it up with my free will.

Later in the retreat, my spiritual director sort of called me out that I don't have a deep relationship with Our Lady or as he calls her: "Mother Mary." He was exactly right, but I have always resisted the necessity of a devotion to her. I like to call it the optional devotion that apparently isn't optional. However, so much of my growth in seminary has been related to obedience, so I figured that there is very little use in resisting this invitation that my spiritual director was giving me. 

This was a pretty healing subject for me on the retreat. Who has been providing me these graces all along but Our Lady the mediatrix of all graces? What sort of an earthly mother lets her child fall flat on her face with no compassion or effort to help? Does she not have the most influence among the entire body of Christ for obtaining the graces that she desires for her children? Perhaps Our Lord has let me persist in my struggles in order that I humble myself to come to Our Lady who He gave us while on the Cross. I talk all about the Sacrifice of the Mass on this blog, but why don't I ever acknowledge that aspect of the crucifixion? Mary is a gift to us from God, why would I not accept this gift? Does a father give his child a rock when he asks for nurishing bread? No. When I have been asking for help all of these years, did Our Lord not have me in mind when giving Our Lady to us? 

So this is going to be the theme of my spiritual life for this fall semester. I am excited to learn to grow in devotion to Our Lady without feeling forced by online influencers. I am going to trust that the saints weren't blowing smoke when they argue so strongly for the necessity of a relationship with Mary, especially for a priest. It is even in our new seminary formation evaluation criterion!

I sincerely ask for your prayers for me in this critical time of my formation. I know that I sound like I am full on anxiety in this small reflection, but I am mostly full of joy on the average day. I am just adjusting to the new level of responsibility that comes with moving forward in my formation. Also, please beg Our Lady for the sanctification of your priests! It is more critical than ever as the world continues to become more unsteady and Christianity is attracting young converts. We need priests who will shepherd them well, otherwise this trend will just be a fad.