I was trying to put together this post, but I think that I will just copy what my journal says, word for word. I have a bit of commentary inside of it anyways. I hope you can receive it in some capacity...
I was wondering why I have been slightly antsy the past few days, and it came to me in prayer earlier today. I feel merely tolerated by the house due to my wicked pride and self-centered focus. I think this comes out most when I am emotionally engaged or fixed on something like watching football, playing basketball, or attempting to pray at Mass. When I am calm, relaxed, and not distracted, I feel more virtuous and aware of the sacrament of the present moment. When I start either putting myself down or others down, I run into major problems.I know that it is probably a lie that I am merely tolerated by most, but I can't change how I feel in the moment. Then in the midst of my sin, You fall into the mix somewhere. Do I believe that I am actually actually loved? Or is love just an intellectual term that is more complex than we make it out to be because of Your perfect anger and justice? I suppose that sorrow for sin is a fruit of prayer and a gift of grace, but shame isn't.
It is hard to run to Your embrace when I have wronged You. How are we supposed to do the dance when I don't always follow Your lead? I've danced with women who know how to be led as well as others who don't. It totally affects the experience and the flow. I understand that this is the purpose of why Your Father sent You, but it feels so perplexing.
Why?
You are more than content in Your own Goodness, but You want me specifically and in a unique way.
*Attempt to write in the 2nd person from God*
O future priest of Jesus Christ, thank you for accepting My invitation to dwell with Me in this empty chapel. you have been drawn to the sorrowful mysteries by Our Mother recently, in part for this precise moment. One cannot enter into My midst without sorrow for his own sin, but also a personal surrender, a personal encounter, and a personal embrace of how undeserving he is of My love. The second he feels entitled or thinks he understands my love, he can no longer accept it in its fullness since it simply won't fit into his heart. As a result, he will need to reject some of it. However, it was never My plan to keep you in a lowly state of sorrow. There are so so many future graces that I yearn to give to you, but the soil of your heart isn't ready. Continue to make reparations and do penance as a result of your sin. This semester specifically, I have granted you a grace to further detach yourself from the desires of the flesh, and I have also increased your awareness of where you are lacking. Do not tune these graces out, even if some may say that you are too rigid or serious. Continue to turn to Our Mother in her most holy rosary. There is no more fertile place than the womb of Our Mother. She will grant you the fruits of her rosary in a timely manner.
One last thing to satisfy your craving to go deeper in the Holy Mass: Turn back to these days when you take the Mass for granted. Not only is the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass supposed to take you into the Trinity, but it is also the time where you have the joy of recognizing how absurd and outlandish I am for planning this for you. Begin to pray with this idea during the Eucharistic prayer. My saints are always by your side at every Mass, so if you forget what My love looks like, turn to them. They all have emptied their hearts to be filled with the entirety of My love.
Keep listening for My calling... I want more of you...
