Retreat

We just wrapped up our silent retreat at the Jesuit Retreat Center in Parma.

I have never been on a retreat quite like this before. There wasn't much of an agenda. There wasn't really a climactic moment that the retreat master was clearly building us towards. It was just a time for all of us to cut all distractions out and refocus ourselves on why we are here: to encounter Jesus and fulfill what he calls us to.

I have been looking to participate in a proper silent retreat for some time now, and this was certainly a taste. We had an emphasis on silence throughout the week, but we still made time to connect and grow in fraternity. I felt like I fit right in with the rest of the returning seminarians. The silence though was so healing.Over the past couple of years at Ohio State, I got pretty comfortable with silence. I committed, as best as I could, to a daily 30-60 minutes of silent prayer. I started to not listen to music between classes or while driving certain places. I still struggled a bit the first day or two of this retreat. The silence was kind of painful because I knew that I couldn't just finish out the holy hour we were in and go numb out somewhere. I couldn't just mess around in the cafeteria most of the time. I couldn't just turn to my phone like I have become acustomed to. The only thing I could do was tell Jesus about it.

On day 3, I experienced the best spiritual direction of my life. It was the first time sitting down with my new spiritual director, and we just jumped right into it. There was no formal small talk or entry level conversation. One of the first questions he even asked me was if I would give him permission to read my journal. Never before have I felt so exposed and seen by a human, but it still felt safe. It was so intimate that I am still unpacking stuff from it three days later.

In this time of the liturgy wars and a declining church, it is so easy to get caught up worrying about logistics, programs, and even a good thing like the evangilization of the nations. One line from the opening mass on Saturday that he preached stuck out to me: Jesus is whispering "I just want to talk about us..." 

This is a concept that is not new to me, but there was such a great freedom when I entered into it during prayer. I am fairly comfortable with praying a holy hour usually. I may start to run out of "stuff" to discuss about 30-45 minutes in, but I manage to survive. On Tuesday, I ended up spending around 6 hours in prayer just talking to Him. There was no agenda or guiding meditation beyond the occasional scripture passage that came to mind. I had no where else to be, so what better way to spend a day than simply being with the bridegroom. The first canticle for morning prayer this past Wednesday said that you shall be called "My delight." That was the theme for the retreat to me. The Lord delights in me.

I wish more churches stayed unlocked all night so the faithful can visit the blessed sacrament. Some are blessed to have a perpetual adoration chapel nearby. To me, there is something romantic and intimate about visiting your spouse in the middle of the night. I can pray as loud as I want in any posture I want, and nobody can see except for Him. Luckily, I will have access to multiple chapels that are only for seminarians and priests who work here.

I am so happy that I am living this life that the Lord has chosen for me. There is such a great freedom in it.

Here is a picture from a night of prayer I had at St. Sebastian