Retreat Highlights
We just finished our silent retreat in preparation for the upcoming seminary formation year. We had an Eastern Catholic monk as our retreat master. He certainly brought a different flavor to the community, but God didn't highlight anything that he said in particular in my prayer. Instead, I just want to share two specific entries from my journal this past week that I think expose where my heart is with my discernment.
Story #1
On this retreat last year, my spiritual director asked me two simple questions:
"Who is Jesus to you?"
"Why are you here right now?"
On the surface, these appear to me questions that a seminarian should have a quick answer to. But in my heart, I realized that I hadn't communicated them on a significantly deep level before. In the moment, I wanted to just give textbook, academic type answers that would satisfy since all good theology is true! I felt embarassed in the moment, but these are the types of reasons that we need a good spiriual director.
This year, I asked myself the same two questions & this is what I wrote down:
*I have minorly reworded some sensitive details that don't need public eyes*
"Who is Jesus to me? Jesus is my ultimate telos. He is the good that forces me to make relative all other goods. If He doesn't exist, then all of my brokenness has no purpose. It has no perfect solution. Life becomes a game of utilitarianism where I do everything in my own power to fix my own problems, or at best, let other humans try to as well. All of my longings will never be saisfied. The interior crying out that I have to be picked up, held, snuggled, looked at, and gazed upon will always fall short. Even though a priest is supposed to be my spiritual father, I can barely meet with my pastor 2-3 times a year. Even my spiritual director, whose very eyes pierce me more than any other person, can only see me a handful hours per month. These holy moments are satisfying in the moment, but how many coping mechanisms have I not even discovered? I struggle to have meaningful conversations with those I have known my whole life because I know that if I reveal my whole heart to them, they probably won't understand. They may even damage it further as they unintentionally have done in the past. I may still be in this vale of tears, but because of Jesus I have true hope that I am made for a perfect love. It is through the incarnation, passion, crucifixion, death, ressurection, and ascension that I know this love is available to me. There is no more speculation and waiting like the prophets of old had to endure."
"As for the question of why I am here [at the seminary], it flows from taking the leaf of faith to follow Jesus. Before I made this step [of following Jesus], I was following the plan of utilitarianism whether I knew it or not. Everything I did was to avoid either current suffering or future suffering. I studied hard to obey my parents, avoid punishment, and have a high quality of life & standard of living. I played sports for fun, adrenaline, and avoiding the pains of obesity and inactivity. I made friends to avoid loneliness. If love was invovled, it was based out of the natural desires of the flesh mixed with morals that I was afraid of breaking. Where is the freedom and adventure in that? It was all (or mostly) within my control. Everything was fairly predictable and I was always looking towards the future. Now, my life has very little certainty. I was presented an invitation of adventure and joy, but I had to simply drop my nets and get out of the boat that I had known and used for so long. Through choosing this, I have grown in joy, patience, charity, prayer, and hopefully obedience. These are all great graces that were made possible by my willingness to say yes to the seminary. As for why I am still here, I have only intesified my thirst to live a life totally surrendered to You [Jesus]. Until You point me somewhere else, I will remain here with you. Based on the testimony of Your holy and amazing priests, I have much to look forward to, both in joy and suffering. I want to do something amazing with the gift of my life. Until the second coming, few things are more attractive and amazing than the most sacred priesthood of Jesus Christ."
That was certainly not the textbook answer that I tried to give just a year ago.
Story #2
There is a powerful book out there called In Sinu Jesu. It is essentially a compilation of prayer journal entries from a Benedictine Monk in Ireland in the late 2000's. He felt a calling from Jesus to perform acts of reparation, specifically times of Eucharistic adoration, to help restore the zeal and holiness that has been lost among so many priests. In this book, he has a consistent theme of having Jesus speak to him about the intimacy that he desires & offers all of his priests in a special way. There was a specific line in an entry that spoke to me in a way that usually only scripture can:
"Never doubt that every moment of your [the monk's] life is, and has been, and always will be a preparation for the next Holy Mass you will offer. You are my priest for this: to make the mystery of My sacrifice present again, and to stand in my place as the visible representative of My priesthood and My Victimhood in the Church"
This is what I wrote down in response:
"As I was reading:
"Never doubt that every moment of your life is a preparation for the next Holy Mass you will offer."
I was taken to imagine my very first Mass as a priest (God-willing). I don't just mean this for when philosophy studies and other aspects of seminary are difficult. From the beginning of the cosmos, You thought that it would have been better for me to exist and offer the supreme redeption of mankind to God the Father than it would have been for me to not. You have hand picked me for this sharing in your five wounds. You have preserved me in my innocence in so many things that I may, although a wretched sinner, share in the innocence of the Immaculate Victim. You have specifically placed a holy and innocent spiritual director into my midst to guide me on this journey towards Your holy altar. You have given me the great gifts of discernment of spirits and the intellect to help fight of the demons who so badly want me to perish. You have led me to Your Mother and Your son Saint Louis' consecration to ensure that I will be nursed at Her breast forever. You have given me a holy friend who I can always go to when I am wrestling with something. In spite of all these realities, I will continue to sin and betray Your most holy will. I pray that I may always receive a spirit of repentance so that I may continue my pilgramage to Your altar where You take me up into the life of the Most Blessed Trinity. Deo Gratias!"
I don't always have beautiful things to write in my journal, but when the Spirit begins to move me, sometimes words will flow effortlessly and without much thought. As I read these over again, I want to make some tweaks to my word choice, but why do I need to change what God has already inspired? This is what He wanted to speak in that moment to me.
Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam