The Power of Eyes, Prayer, and Penance
For the past couple of months, I have been reading the account of St. Catherine's life according to her spiritual director. I knew that she was one of the more "flashy" saints, but the sheer amount of holiness that radiated from her life is hard to grasp at once, let alone in a book. She would frequently go into ecstacy for hours after receiving holy communion. If you have been Catholic for more than a few days, you know this is not the norm even though we receive the body, blood, soul, and divinity of Jesus in the Eucharist.
One theme that pops up in her life is that she was a profound intercessor, and she fasted + sacrificed to great lengths for her family and friends to repent and be saved. Penance, outside of those assigned by my confessor, has become a theme that I am focusing on intentionally this year of formation. My academic load, while being more difficult, is of a lower quantity than I will have in future semesters. This gives me an abundance of free time and wiggle room to implement more intense penances than I have tried in the past. The road to holiness and avoiding sin is paved by prayer and penance. It is a challenging demand, but I want to become a saint! Our Lord has gifted me with this opportunity, and I want to accept his invitation to embrace the purgative way. One night after reading a bit of the book on St. Catherine, I went on my rosary walk. Normally, my rosary walk is a way to wind down before bed by getting off my screens and recentering myself on the central mysteries of the faith. It is usually not a very meditative or consoling experience, but I feel peaceful afterwords at least. This specific night, I felt such a consolation that I jokingly checked to make sure that I wasn't floating off the ground (since St. Catherine would levitate in her cell at times). Afterwords, I went to my journal since I could tell the Our Lord was moving in my heart, and I usually capture something valuable in these moments.
I wrote down the following:
O my dear son. I long so desperately to spend time with You and just look at you. Many times, you retreat back to safety from my piercing gaze. When you encounter me in others, don't look away: I am there. When I send others to you, I need your eyes to pierce them as mine have for you. When you can't find me, I am always sitting and waiting for you in the tabernacle of the incarnation. You have been so faithful to prayer this year even when I allow for distraction and cloudiness. Soon, you will be totally given over to me, so I will peel the veil that sits over your eyes; the true dazzling of my creation will be visible. Bride, you are almost all the way down the aisle. When your pilgramage to me concludes, I can touch you and embrace you at last. I have given myself over totally for you, but we can't enjoy the fruits of the wedding feast until you are totally mine.
I do see how this could look prideful; I am sort of announcing to others how faithful I have been to prayer, but at the time, this was written only for God, my spiritual director, and I. I can't go back and change what it says because it is the truth. Our Lord does in fact delight in us when we are faithful to him. This is not to say that he doesn't still delight in us when we betray him with our sin.
We only have one life to live on Earth, and it would be an absolute shame if we did not use it to become a saint. This process is not of our own doing, but the grace of God. We must accept it though. If we put limits on how much grace we accept from God at one time, how are we supposed to become the fullness of what He has created us to be? This means that every. single. part. of our lives must be able to be transformed through sacrificial union with the Bridegroom. St Catherine certainly was a woman who understood this. She was willing to trust the Lord to provide for her bodily needs on thirty minutes of sleep a night and no food other than His very flesh. Now for the large majority of us, he does still provide for us, but through natural means which are still a gift because he has created them.
Am I at least willing to be open to his gift of 7-8 hours of sleep? Am I willing to be open to waking up before dawn to see the sunrise? Am I willing to be open to his gift of hunger and fasting which helps us to remain grateful for our abundance of food in America? Am I willing to visit him in the middle of a night and stay awake with Him for an hour of prayer? If He calls us there with the most subtle invitation, perhaps He has an incredible gift waiting for you there. It is in the accepting of these gifts of discipline, prayer, and penance that we come to view the beauty of the cosmos. Sometimes I use the word dazzling because the Exultet from the Easter Vigil uses it.
O truly blessed night,
worthy alone to know the time and hour
when Christ rose from the underworld!
This is the night
of which it is written:
The night shall be as bright as day,
dazzling is the night for me,
and full of gladness.
The sanctifying power of this night
dispels wickedness, washes faults away,
restores innocence to the fallen, and joy to mourners,
drives out hatred, fosters concord, and brings down the mighty.
It was only through the death of Our Lord that He was able to triumph and conquer darkness once and for all. It is through a death to ourself (discipline, prayer, and penance) that he bestows grace upon us in order to look into his dazzling eyes forever one day in the kingdom of Heaven.
Amen